The Real Change Candidate

My fellow Americans,

I have an important announcement to make. Given what we now know to be the real requirements for a vice-presidential nominee, I would like to officially nominate the person I believe to be the most qualified candidate for Vice-President of the United States: My mom.

Since many of you are likely unfamiliar with my mom considering that up to now she’s been somewhat less than a fixture on the national political scene, I’d like to take this opportunity to outline what I believe to be her unimpeachable (no pun intended) qualifications for this important role. Once you’ve seen what my mom brings to the table, I think you’ll agree she’s the ideal candidate.

My mom grew up in a small town. As we know, this means she has impeccable morals, real American values and a true sense of what’s actually important.

My mom was on the PTA. Not only did she pay her dues and go to the meetings, my mom served as an officer, volunteered in the library, coordinated the annual science fair and did much of the legwork on the bond proposition that resulted in the complete renovation of our elementary school in 1990.

My mom was a soccer mom. She was also a violin mom, a CCD mom, a karate mom, a ballet mom, a Youth Symphony mom, a band mom, a handbell mom, a Cub Scouts mom, and the leader of my Girl Scout troop.

My mom was, by turns, both a stay-at-home mom and a working mom. So she can relate to every mom.

My mom was once runner-up in the Junior Miss beauty pageant.

My mom loves Jesus. Also puppies.

My mom is very photogenic. She’s also a professionally-trained actor. She gives a good speech.

My mom understands the needs of working Americans. She’s not one of your Eastern elites. She does not have one of those fancy Harvard Law degrees. She’s an officer in her union and an active member of the state AFL-CIO. She’s married to a firefighter.

My mom enjoys football, baseball, hot dogs, the Constitution and other trappings of the all-American lifestyle. (She may actually like the Constitution quite a bit more than she likes hot dogs.) She can also bake an apple pie that will make you think you’ve died and gone to whatever eternal reward you believe you’ll attain when you cash in.

My mom can handle a shotgun. She built two houses in the woods outside Fairbanks. She can gut a fish, pilot a boat, dig a clam and operate a snowmachine. She once famously built a solar oven out of cardboard and aluminum foil and served fresh-baked muffins on an off-the-grid camping trip. As a young woman she once went on an extended upriver campout without shoes.

My mom supports sensible social programs and opposes wasteful pork-barrel spending. To my knowledge, she has never publicly advocated for or against the Gravina Island Bridge.

My mom can identify Iraq on a map. An unlabeled map.

My mom understands foreign policy and threats from neighboring nations. She has spent all but a few months of her life living in Alaska, a state that lives in constant fear due to its perilous proximity to Russia. In fact, as a small child, she lived in the town of Nome, a mere 4,053 miles from the Soviet capital of Moscow.

My mom is a grandmother.

My mom has been, off and on, what could technically be called a “community organizer.” As you know, that’s kind of like being a small-town mayor, except that, instead of having “actual responsibilities” and collecting a salary, she worked long hours for little or no compensation out of a desire to make her community a better place to live.

Finally, since this is apparently a pressing issue in this election: I feel it’s worth mentioning that, with decades of experience designing makeup for professional theatre and opera, if needed, my mom can actually put lipstick on a pig.