Guest Post: MLB On Target

Editor’s Note: In celebration of this, my SEVEN HUNDREDTH post (!) and another momentous occasion (see below), and in light of the fact that my schedule is currently so hectic that I’ve barely had time to read Bob Lynn’s press release congratulating Sarah Palin for mentioning Sudan divestment, let alone respond to it, MLB himself has volunteered to write a guest post about his participation in the aforementioned other momentous occasion. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... my boyfriend.

— Maia

Dear Blogstress has been hectoring me to do a guest post for some time, I think just to prove that MLB does in fact exist. I’ve begun any number of posts on weighty issues like why I had the urge to key a car in the Best Buy parking lot (before I graduated to fantasies of slashing tires), or to ruminate on my newfound man-crush on Mark Begich (I can’t believe M has not blogged this yet, but SHE WAS AT THE MAYOR’S HOUSE. And talked to his wife. Who seems to be cool with... it. Whatever it is, Ms. Bonito was Cool With It). But given the general airy tone we try (by which I mean she tries) to maintain, these seemed like topics far too substantial to discuss. So instead, I decided to blog the “soft-launch” of Alaska’s first Target store.

Now, as a former Minneapolitan, I love me some Target. LOVE. Don’t get me wrong, our local Safeway-née-Carrs are fine and dandy, and Fred Meyer’s doesn’t totally suck, but Target is in a class far beyond. You know I’m right. Anyway, I was initially saddened to learn that the official opening of the Anchorage Target (as well as its sister store, the Wasilla Meth Lab Supply Depot) was scheduled for October 12, when I will be out of town. However, I was informed that the “soft launch” started today (Side Note: You’re welcome) so that they had time to get the kinks out before the real rush of this weekend.

First things first, the shopping area out on North Muldoon is disturbingly immense. Apparently, we’re getting a Kohl’s, a Lowe’s and who the hell knows what else out there. The parking lot was roughtly the size of Kincaid Park. And it was pretty much full. At 3 in the afternoon. On a day when the main attraction wasn’t officially even open. Yipes.

Anyhoo, after I schlepped the 1.74 miles from my car to the front door, the first thing that I noticed were the baskets. Most places use the same plastic, two-handled shopping baskets:


These are frankly crap. Because they are both impossible to pick up with one hand, and difficult to load with any item larger than a beef jerky, as the handles get in the way. Target, however, has solved this problem!


It thus possible to multitask. For instance, one could both shop AND take camera phone pictures of the mayhem at the same time. If one was inclined to do something so silly. So, A+ so far for the amenities.

The next thing of note, which really should not have been a surprise given the parking situation, was that there were many, many Alaskans present.


Perhaps it’s that Target has discovered something about lighting that other big box stores have not, or maybe it’s the lack of the Middle Soviet Bread Line Era feng shui which tends to be the norm, but people seemed happier, prettier and perhaps even better medicated then they have on my few, regrettable, visits to W*****T. (I know, I know, I’m a latte Americano-swilling elitist, who looks down upon W*****T culture and NASCAR. Guilty as charged. I’ll live.)

I decided to circumnavigate the entire store once, just to see what I was dealing with. This is hardly an accomplishment for me, having once done the same thing at the Mall of America, not out of any great need to do so, but more because I had decided to catch a movie on opening night, and had to wait 90 minutes for a later show. John Travolta, the things I did for you. Some highlights: Shoes, lots of shoes. I posit that dear blogstress will especially enjoy this mini-section:


Or maybe not.

A slightly creepy Halloween display:


Complete with lots and lots of CANDY:


(And there were about 4 more aisles worth. Seriously. The students at BHS are going to get so fat in the next month.)


A pet peeve: how does a place like Target have a whole wall of microwave popcorn, yet every single variety is buttered. Surely I can’t be the only one who prefers crisp, clean, though oily and salty, unbuttered popcorn?


I’m always slightly baffled by the “luxury” items which seem like leftovers from the props department on Last of The Mohicans.


You know you are in Alaska when the dog food takes up four aisles. Including that good gourmet shit. (A sad fact: The Pupster has been the recipient of far more culinary preparation from M than have I. I’d ask if I was chopped liver, but the answer is obviously no, else she would have cooked me and fed me to the dog by now. Wait, does that sound creepy? Moving on. Swiftly. Please forget I brought it up.)


This being a certified Red State, I was curious to see if Target had made the managerial decision to hide certain items of prurient interest behind the pharmacy counter, as is standard practice other places in Alaska. Given the proximity of the store to a high school, it strikes me merely good business sense that they have chosen not to do so. I wonder if the same holds true for the Wasilla location, given the known fecundity of Valley youths...



Someone needs a kitchen table. Do either of these work?


Birthday cards. Someone turns Forty-Ten in a few days.

One disappointment, at present: The in-store food options are limited to a Pizza Hut Express and a massive and incongruously decorated Starbucks. Can’t I at least get some crap Chinese food or a heat-lamped “burger”?


Check out time. And by that I mean, check out the worst hair weave I’ve ever seen.

Seriously, the place was so busy they had at least 2 dozen employees directing traffic in the parking lot.

So there you have it, my day at the Tar-get. It ain’t classy, but it feels like home now.

*****

Side Note: I know what you’re thinking. And the answers are: Yes, he does, in fact, use words like “fecundity” on a regular basis. I haven’t cooked for him because I don’t have a kitchen table. We’re working to resolve this issue. And yes, I am totally comfortable with his new crush on Mark Begich. It’s just one more thing we have in common. Besides, of course, our deep love for Target. And John Travolta.